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Appreciated

I don't really know where to start. There's too many emotions bottled up inside and I can't even tell anyone. It's not that I don't have anyone but for what? Everyone has their own stuffss on their plate and why would I be a burden by pouring my heart over small stuffs. 

I just wanna be appreciated. That's all i ask.

I was in a serious relationship 3 years back. I thought that it was the last but I was too naive, I guess. You can try and fix the relationship as hard as you can but it can't never be enough if you are the only one struggling to fix it. Trust me. I really thought that if I let this go, if I give up on this relationship there's no one out there would love me the way he did despite all those abusive stuffs he did. I quit my job, I was enjoying my life so much, drinking, flirting around, etc. I went out every night just to forget everything. But, guess what? It was all temporary. I woke up the next day feeling shitty. I blame myself for that. Every fucking day. I promise myself that if I ever fell in love again, let it be the last. That's what I told my dad the day he came to KL just to see me and all the bruises. Sadly, I was wrong again...

Am I happy right now? Hell fucking yes, I am.
Am i hurting? Definitely yes, too. 

You cannot run from being hurt. I've tried before and all I could see is I was in the same deep dark hole again. I am enjoying every single moment but somehow all the thoughts that I have been keeping for so long crawling back to me again and tell me that I'm worthless and the things that I am really scared becomes real. He says that he loves having me around but he can't/don't love me. And here we go again......

Do you know what I am really scared about and I don't want to ever be in any of those positions?
I am scared that I'm just another man's options. I am scared that no matter how hard I have to try, I am always "she's a friend, nothing serious" kind of woman. I am scared that I will always be someone that he wouldn't want anyone to know. I know that he cares for me, he is here for me when no one else gives a fuck about me and I am so thankful for that. Am I selfish for asking him to stay with me when he's clearly can't even move on from his previous relationship? I know and I feel so bad about that. He says that he is a fucking broken man that he cannot love anyone anymore.

Am i a fucking selfish prick? I don't know. I just wanna love again with the man that i'm in love with but if that's what my friends has been saying that I'm a selfish fuck, maybe I am. 

I just wanna feel appreciated. It has been so long since I have someone that is not afraid to tell the world that i'm his. I am a sucker for love. I guess I have no luck in love. 

No luck at all.

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